The Psychic birth of a mother….
My journey started 8 years ago when my partner ( now husband) and I decided ‘to try’ but ‘not try’ for a baby. We had bought our first home and felt it would be great if a little one joined our growing family. I had been diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16 and had felt that it was best to get checked out from an endocrinologist to make sure that everything was ok. The scans showed cysts so the doctor felt it would be best to put me on metformin and vitex to recover my cycles and prevent further cysts from showing up. I ended up taking the meds for a significant period of time with no such luck or movement, instead I felt ill and fatigued on them so we decided I would come off them. At the time I wasn’t too concerned as we were enjoying life as it was and still were yet to be married.
The years moved on and the beginning of 2012 begun. Ben and I had a lot of excitement as it was the year we were getting married and going to seriously try and plan for a baby. At that time we couldn’t have possibly known how difficult it would really be.Life had other plans for us and we were needing to learn to surrender to the bigger picture Our big day was eventually upon us and it was everything we could have hoped for. The honeymoon was also out of this world as we dived in the clear seas of the Maldives, a once in a lifetime holiday. There we spoke about our future children and I was convinced that we were already pregnant. The test results were inconclusive, however when we returned from our honeymoon we received a positive. It was such an incredible feeling to be pregnant even though my cycle had been absent for over a year. As life unfolds with twists and turns, it was devastating to find out that we lost our minute one at around 7/8 weeks.
I can’t begin to tell you how much that moment truly changed my life….
That moment was the beginning of a return to myself that somehow propelled me in to an awakening. Somehow I knew that losing the little one represented so much more then words can describe. I had spent my life meeting everyone else needs out of an inability to know or meet my own. I felt like a young girl rather then a woman – stuck in a period of time that had long ago finished and the m/c woke me up to the frozenness that had been my life. Yet, still my trajectory in to this frozen world continued as I didn’t know how to move fluidly with my grief, a familiar narrative of my life that continued to create suffering and eventually… dis – ease.
In 2013 when things should have been settling down, my thyroid stopped working efficiently. Coincidently( or not!) my ability to stand in my truth and speak my truth had long gone. What even was my truth, other then the frozenness or shame that had clouded me for a long time. That place was far from empowering and worse yet was a crumbling in to a total body break down. My body literally stopped working properly and for 18 long and terrifying months, I had symptoms that were not congruent with any known illness. I was given the diagnosis of post viral fatigue and Doctors were baffled and I was getting worse not better. Eventually, after cleaning up my diet, engaging in yoga and meditation and self healing and gestalt psychotherapy… my body started a return to health. I had many amazing mentors and teachers along the way that helped me move past the medical model and address the root cause of my illness. The young girl in me finally accepted the parts that had been put away on the shelf and that needed to be seen and heard. Mostly, I grew in to a women and my cycle returned regularly each month. Something that had never been a part of my life before.
I followed the cycles of the moon and nature and in that place, found my intuition and soul. I also found out I was pregnant on December 4th,2016, following a strong vision that had come to me in April that year. In the vision I had seen the date and happiness. I had forgotten all about it when the time came though and the shock was like nothing else. 5 years after the miscarriage we were pregnant again and this time with a knowing that everything would be ok.
The first labour pains started whilst attending a trauma sensitive yoga course in Bondi on the Friday morning. All week I had been feeling that I wouldn’t make it to the training, however when the Friday came around, I found myself walking in to the training room late and uncomfortably pregnant. All eyes were on me as I dropped down on the only seat of a very full room.Thankfully the training continued and we immersed ourselves in the learning. A huge component of trauma sensitive yoga is drawing direct experience to the body and in doing this we draw direct experience to the present moment without judgement or meaning making that is directive, from there we have choice to decide what happens next so it was fitting that the Facilitator of the training took us through a few activities to heighten that process. The lady sitting next to me and I entered in to a role play and it was at that point that I (and her) noticed my extremely swollen ankles and it twigged that I could actually be in labour. Her and I were both laughing and joking about it but we both knew I would not be there the next day. I got home and sat down whilst feeling my ‘twinges’ become a little bit stronger. We were watching the footy and casually wondering if I was in labour and both agreed that maybe it was the early stages. A text from my friend made me ring the hospital and in doing so, they asked me to come in just in case but we both thought we would be home that night – thankfully we had taken the hospital bag with. A midwife asked questions and did a test to see if my amniotic fluid had been broken and that came back positive. My waters had broken!
The labour was one of the more powerful experiences of my life. I had underestimated how it would make me feel as a women. I felt the power of every contraction, every surge and the meditating gaps that followed. Ben supported my lower back, I bathed, he massaged me and my mum joined us for a few hours on the Saturday. Unfortunately I had a cervical gel that ended up giving me an allergic reaction and I feel that this was the beginning of intervention being used. My allergic reactions give me a high heart rate of over 150 and can carry on for a few hours, leaving me exhausted and fragile. That reaction lasted for a full hour and then my heart rate slowed down to 110bpm at rest. Amongst all the other uncomfortable symptoms such as sitting on the toilet for an hour, it was more then enough to really exhaust me so when it got to Saturday night and not much had happened, I made the decision to labour through the night and called for an epidural at 3am. I needed to rest more then anything. The epidural allowed me to progress to 9 cm’s and sleep but unfortunately I failed to progress further by the next morning. It was time to call for a c – section and my trust fully went to my medical team.
Hunter Will Schubert entered the world at 8:41am on the 23rd of July via emergency caesarian.That morning my world changed for the better. We had somehow always thought that we would only ever have girls so when we saw that little penis, the shock was priceless. It is a surprise I will never forget. The look on my husband’s face that morning still brings a huge smile and melts my heart. He was the boy that we thought we would never have….
Every moment has been precious and I am in deep gratitude of having Hunter in my life. I am grateful for my journey in to motherhood. Each step has shaped me to be the mother I am today and even though chronic illness has still been a part of the process, I know how powerful my body really is and for that I am truly appreciative and in awe of how strong the female body is.
If you got this far – thank you for reading.